Allegiant
by lesmizszlez
Summary: (Allegiant spoilers!) Tobias is left devastated after Tris' death, however when Ivy arrives at the Bureau, are things about to change? Tobias' thinks that the arrival of the twins will help him to overcome his grief. However, when he starts to see Tris, and not just in his nightmares, his whole life gets turned upside down, yet again. (please read and review! Much love -mxxx)
1. Chapter 1

**"Where's Tris?" I say.**

**"I'm sorry, Tobias."**

**"Sorry about what?" Christina says roughly. "Tell us what **_**happened**_**!"**

**"Tris went into the Weapons Lab instead of Caleb," Cara says. "She survived the death serum, and set off the memory serum, but she… she was shot. And she didn't survive. I'm so sorry." **

Christina's jaw drops open as she grabs the railing of the stairs, her body swaying backwards and forwards. Cara's words swim in my head, hanging in the air around me. Coloured pricks of light form at the edges of my vision as I slump to the floor. No. No no no. Tris wouldn't, couldn't, leave me. After everything Caleb did to her, to her family, she still found it in her heart to sacrifice herself for him. If anything, she is the true meaning of the phrase 'genetically pure'. Tris, my beautiful, strong, intelligent, selfless, brave Tris. She is pure. She is perfect. And now, she is gone. I press my hand to my mouth, to try to push the rising sobs back down, but they still manage to break through.

Cara tries to reach for me, to stop me from shaking and howling, but I pull back. If I can no longer touch Tris, I don't want to touch anyone, nor do I want to speak to or look at them. I bury my face in my arms but even with my eyes closed can I still see her lifeless body, punctured with the metal bullets that stole her from me.

The rest of the day is a blur. I find myself back in the dormitory, having half stumbled, half run there. I fall back onto my bed and let the tears roll down my face, not bothering to wipe them away. I feel empty, yet I feel like I am about to burst- so full of the promises we made and the future we had planned together. Cara's words were like a needle, bursting the bubble of happiness, excitement and love that Tris and I had shared. Four fears. None of them like the fear I feel now- the fear that I am alone, the fear of not having Tris, the fear that our futures are no longer entwined together. Everything hurts, my head, my body, my heart. I get up, only to fall back down. How many times has that happened? That I have fallen, yet Tris has been there to catch me? To tell me everything will be ok? To hold me, to hug and kiss me, to love me? It's all over, it's all gone.

I hear footsteps and look up in time to see Zeke enter the room. His eyes are red and bloodshot from crying over the news of Uriah. He looks terrible, although I can't imagine I look any better. He makes his way past the beds and hesitates before sitting next to me. I don't say anything and nor does he. I keep my eyes fixed on Tris' bed, the covers tucked into the sides, the pillow propped up at the metal headboard.

"Man, I'm sorry," Zeke says, his voice full of pain.

"How come you don't hate me?" I ask simply.

"Because you didn't… kill Uriah," he struggles to say the words, however true they may be.

I turn and clasp Zeke around his neck, releasing my weight onto him. We both break down and are equally grateful for each other to hold onto as we cry.

"Zeke, I know I promised. I know I did and I'm sorry and I don't expect anything from you but I just want you to know that I feel so so terrible,"

"Tobias, neither my mum nor I blame you. This is a dangerous world that we live in and when you guys left the city… I knew the risks," Zeke sighs, and although I don't believe him, I hug him again, before he stands up to leave. He harbours no hate towards me. Only pain for the loss of his brother. I realise that I need to talk to Caleb.

I find him in the library. However, he is not reading or researching as I would expect. He is sitting on the floor, his head in his hands, his body heaving with sobs. I stand awkwardly in front of him, waiting for him to realise my presence. After a minute or so, he does.

"I'll go," he murmurs, grabbing his wire-framed glasses from the floor and wiping his running nose with the sleeve of his jumper. I grab his collar and yank him up to face me. His lip quivers.

"You really think I'd come into a library if I wash't looking for you?" I grit my teeth and I release him.

"Tobias, I'm upset too!" He protests feebly.

"Upset?" I laugh, incredulous, "UPSET?"

His eyes twinkle, brimming with tears. I see her in him, and I lose it.

"SHE WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD, THE ONLY PERSON I LOVED. YOU STOOD BY AS SHE WALKED TO HER DEATH, AND NOW YOU SAY YOU'RE 'UPSET'?"

"I am," Caleb whispers.

"No, no you're not. You're guilty. You're guilty that someone so innocent DIED for YOU. Scum," I spit at him and turn to leave, but he grabs my arm.

"She was my sister, and I did love her. I do love her. She forgave me, so please," he begs.

I lunge forward and shove him hard into the bookcase. He hits it with a thud and crumples to the floor. I walk out, hearing his heavy breaths behind me.


	2. Chapter 2

People say that time can heal wounds, but the ones that she has left me with are too big, too deep, to recover from without her. I watch from the window as people wander past, barely knowing their name, no past, no present. But a future. They have a future. Do I have a future, if I stay like this? If I took the memory serum, could I have a future?

No. I can't do that to her. I can't wipe her from my memory. Her golden hair and her soft skin are going to stay embedded in my brain, my mind, my eyes, for all eternity. I can never love again, not like the love we shared. The sun sets, melting into the skyline. And it rises, and sets again. Over and over. I sit on the bed as the days pass by. People enter the room, and people leave the room. They bring me food but I can't swallow it. They offer me water but I can't drink it. My head feels heavy and I think that maybe, maybe if I end this all now, there's an afterlife. Somewhere. There must be. Things don't just end, do they? Maybe I'd be with her again. I turn and bury my face into the pillow, heaving into the soft material.

I fall asleep to the sound of the rain hurling itself at the window, and the wind howling through the trees. I dream of Tris, climbing the ferris wheel, her hair waving in the wind in front of me. I lift my hand from the rusty, metal bar and I touch her silky hair with my fingertips. She feels so real. It all feels so real. I take a deep breath of the cool air and it fills my lungs. Tris is at the next ledge, and I am still a metre or so below her. She laughs, her voice soft and sweet, like a lullaby. I laugh too, because the feeling is wonderful. But all of a sudden, her foot slips and time freezes as she falls, her hands reaching for mine. She screams and so do I, but we are both helpless. Her body crumples into a heap on the grass with a sickening crunch. Our screams echo around me as I stare in disbelief at the trickle of blood that runs from her forehead.

I sit up, wiping the sweat from my face. I can't cope. Each night I relive her death in different ways, each time her fate gets worse. And each time, I stand there, watching, unable to save her.

"Hey," Christina's voice shocks me into reality.

"Hi," I say awkwardly.

"Another nightmare?"

I nod. I don't want to talk about it.

"Oh, Tobias," she says, her lip quavering, "I've been having them too,"

I nod again. Christina looks like she wants to come over but she looks at the floor, before turning to leave.

"Wait,"

She turns, a small smile playing across her face.

I fold the covers away and slowly get out of bed, weak from the lack of food and water, and from the nightmares which have drained most of my energy.

Christina walks over and hugs me. I hug her back. I realise we need each other, we all need each other. We need to share our grief, and to talk about our memories of Tris, to keep her alive as much as possible.

"Come to the cafeteria," she smiles.

The cafeteria was packed full of confused looking individuals. An elderly lady was examining her fingers, as if she had aged in just a couple of seconds and she was wondering how her hands had wrinkled in such a short amount of time. In the middle of the room, at a round table, sat Cara, Zeke, Caleb, Amar and Peter, who's eyes are wide as he looks around eagerly, taking in everything in sight. As soon as they see me and Christina, they shuffle over, making room on the bench for us. I sit in between Cara and Amar.

"'Sup man," Amar fist bumps me and smiles sadly. He pushes his plate over and I tear off a chunk from his piece of bread and down it with some water.

"You look-"

"Terrible? I know," I interrupt him, not wanting to discuss my appearance. I drum my fingers against the tabletop, not knowing what to say. I thought it would be good to see everyone, to speak to other people, but it just makes me realise how much I miss her.

"Need the bathroom," I excuse myself, standing suddenly.

"Shall I walk you there?" Christina asks.

"I don't need babysitting," I say, a little harshly. I can hear her whispering to the others about how worried she is as I leave the cafeteria.

The bathroom is tiled with blue china squares and the white sinks sparkle clean. I check the cubicles- it is empty. Before I know it, I am crying, not out of sadness or grief or loss, but out of anger. Anger that life is carrying on without Tris. It feels like everything should be stopped, postponed. That we should wait for her before continuing. I can't carry on. I have nothing, no one. I grab the skin, my hands turning white. I throw the bars of soap onto the ground and rip the hand towel dispenser from its place on the wall. It smashes onto the floor into hundreds of tiny plastic pieces. I shove the plugs into the sinks and turn on all of the taps. Finally, I fall to the floor, shaking as the water flows out over the sinks, splashing onto the ground. I grab my hair, digging my fingernails so deep into the flesh around my hairline that it starts to feel sticky and warm with blood. It trickles down into my eyes and my vision is clouded with blood and tears and sweat. I scream and writhe on the floor, until I hear the door swing open. Zeke splashes into the bathroom, the frothy water now red from my blood. I am in Zeke's strong arms, which he wraps around my shaking body.


	3. Chapter 3

This time, the nightmare is the worst it has ever been. Tris and I are sitting in my old house, in Abnegation. We are, yet again, planning the future that we can never have together, when we hear the door open and close. We both freeze.

"BEATRICE?" I hear the evil sneer in my father's cackle as he ascends the stairs. Hide. It's my first thought. But where? The houses and rooms in Abnegation are so simple and plain that there is nothing to use to defend ourselves, nothing to conceal ourselves with from the monster that is Marcus Eaton. Tris looks at me with sad, wide eyes, full of worry and fear. No. I won't let him hurt her.

He bursts through the door of the room, his belt already in his hand. He licks his lips and runs his tongue along his yellowed teeth. He raises the belt into the air and I leap in front of Tris to take the blow, but as his weapon swings down, it passes straight through me. I hear Tris scream as it lashes her body, again and again. He lifts his arm, only to bring it back down onto different parts of her body. Why can't he see me? Why does the belt pass through me? I realise, yet again, that I am helpless, and that Tris is going to die at the hands of my father. Usually the nightmares are over quickly, but this one isn't. I watch, crying, as he tortures her. Finally, he flings his belt to the side and grabs Tris by her hair.

"Take off your clothes," he snarls, his eyebrows arched sadistically. I scream for him to stop. I try to punch and kick him, but he neither sees, hears or feels me. Tris, however, can. She looks at me, her face full of sadness as he rips her clothes from her body and rapes her, right in front of me. Her screams and sobs fill the house, the walls absorbing her pain and hurt and anger. When he is finished, her throws her onto the wooden floorboards, kicking her repeatedly in the head.

"STOP!" I scream, even though I know it is no use. When Tris stops moving, my father grabs his belt and leaves. I crouch next to her limp body, vomit rising in my throat. I whisper her name, but I am already waking. It is over. It is finally over.


	4. Chapter 4

Things are getting much worse. Everything aches, everything hurts. Time passes quickly here. One minute the bureau was covered in a thick, white blanket of snow. The cobwebs outside the window of the dormitory glistened with frozen drops of ice, encased in its cold, gleaming prison. The next minute, the snow had melted, milky rays of sun filtering through the clouds, sending shards of rainbow up the walls. Small flowers poked through the ground, clawing their way up out of the mud. Small, pink and white buds blossomed on the trees into large, beautiful flowers. Most of the time, I lay in bed, watching as people walked passed or as a butterfly floated by. Things Tris loved, and would have loved if she had been here with me. She would have dragged me outside to sit, basking in the sunshine, the light reflecting off of her hair, laughing. I would have been laughing with her, too. I can almost see it now. Occasionally I get up and walk around. It's been almost half a year now, but things still aren't too different. Everyone is now accustomed to their new lives, after their memories were wiped clean. A clean slate, a new life. I was so close, so close to having that. But I chose this. I chose this pain, this torture, just so I can remember her, Tris. It's worth it, I think. One memory with her is worth a thousand memories with anyone else.

Caleb enters the room. I haven't talked to him much since, well, since I beat him up in the library.

"Hi," he says, rubbing his forehead with his palm.

"Hi," I echo.

"Wanna get some lunch?"

"It's lunchtime?" I ask.

"Uh no it's dinnertime actually," he laughs. When I don't reply, he bites his lip and looks awkwardly around him. "Man, you gotta stop,"

"Stop what? The pain? The hurt? The nightmares?"

Caleb truly looks sorry and for a second, I believe him. But then I remember that he could have died instead of Tris and I clench and unclench my fists under the bedsheets.

"Ok I'll come for lunch,"

"Dinner. I meant dinner,"

"Whatever," I stumble out of the bed and we walk down the corridor in silence. When we get to the cafeteria, everyone is there, waiting for me.

"Surprise!" They shout, throwing confetti at my face as I sit down. What on earth have I done that I need to be congratulated for? Ok, I got out of bed, big deal…

"Happy birthday!" Amar claps me on the back. The look on my face causes him to stop. "You forgot?"

"I guess I was busy," I say as I slide into the seat.

"Yeah, busy doing nothing!" Christina laughs and winks at me, although I can tell the air is tense. Cara offers me some cake, and I tuck in although it is a bit rich after not having eaten in a few days.

Suddenly, I see her.

"Tris!" I yell, flinging my fork back down onto the table.

The others look confused as I push back, away from the bench and run out the room.

I saw her. I definitely saw her. Her golden hair, framing her face. Her pale complexion, her deep set eyes and her small waist. And she was beckoning me to follow.

I saw her. I know I did.

I run out of the cafeteria, past the spot where she was standing.

Which way did she go? I search, frantic to find her.

"Tris?" I shout, but I get no reply.

The halls are empty apart from two women. I push past them, peering into doorways and out windows, but I don't see her.

"Tobias!" I hear my name being called from behind, but I don't stop. I can't stop.

Tris is alive. Tris is alive. Tris is alive.

"TRIS!" I shout, desperate to see her again.

"TOBIAS! STOP!" Zeke grabs my arm. Usually I would have been able to release myself from his grip, but I have grown too weak.

"I saw her," I protest, but even before the words leave my mouth, I realise what I am saying.

I know she is dead. I saw her body. I saw the bullet holes. Tris is dead.

I sink to the floor. When will I let this go? It's been half a year already. I need to move on.

I close my eyes but I see her face. Wherever I look, I see her.

I can't move on.

Zeke escorts me back the dormitory and and we sit in silence for a few minutes. All I can hear is my heavy breathing and the tapping of Zeke's foot against the floor. I let my head fall forwards, my cheeks still red and flushed with embarrassment from my 'performance'. How could I be so stupid? Tris is dead. Tris is dead! I yell at myself, my voice angry in my mind. I want to move on, but I don't think I can ever be the same as I was before.

A bird flutters past the window, its wings beating as it swoops onto one of the branches of a nearby tree. I sit up and am reminded of the birds tattooed on Tris' shoulder, which curled up around her collar bone. I am reminded of her rebellion, and of her freedom.

She'd want me to move on, I think.

I'd want her to move on, if I were dead.


	5. Chapter 5

For the following few days, I try to forget my grief, however hard it is, to join in with the others. I know that we need to move on from the Bureau soon, although no one has told us so. I just cannot face leaving the place where I saw Tris for the final time. I spend most of my time learning about the different equipment in the labs, even though the workers no longer know what they need them for, they still remember how to use them. There are still books, yellowed and torn at the pages with cracked spines, explaining DNA structures and genetics, although no one has thought to study them. I have always hated Erudite, however I have started to realise why they love to read so much. It fascinates me how such simple words can form such complex sentences. The pages feel thin as I press them between my fingers and carefully them turn over to read whatever is on the following page. I can get lost for hours in a book, whether it is fiction or fact. Sometimes I enter the library in the early hours of the morning, when the sun is only just rising and the birds have only just begun to sing, and I find myself leaving when darkness begins to fall again over the Bureau, encasing it in its shadows.

As I leave the library, I run my hand along the rows of books, leaving a path marked when I brush away the dust.

By coming to the library so regularly, I realise the ridiculousness in the factions. I am Dauntless, yet I love to read. I still have aspects of Abnegation as well. There are so many different things that I have missed out on, so many books I have not read, all because of the 'experiment', saying that I cannot be brave, selfless, kind, honest and knowledgable all at the same time. I would have loved to read to Tris; to watch the emotion in her eyes and the colour in her cheeks. I found a book of poetry, it's words faded and it's pages pulled from the spine, tucked clumsily back in. The beauty in the words and the metaphors strikes me as I read them. It shocks me how someone can define love so well, how they can put into words the way I felt, how I still feel about Tris. It makes me feel less like I am alone, even though I know that I am.

"Fancy seeing you here," Caleb smiles nervously and sits down in the seat next to me. I still find it tough to even look at Caleb, let alone talk to him, without wanting to cry and hide away from the world, but I have started to warm up to him. I cannot go on hating and hurting and blaming forever. Somehow, I need to recover from this and holding onto my anger is not a way forward.

"There's just something about books, isn't there?" I say, showing him the front cover of the book I am holding.

Caleb swing his bag over his shoulder and takes out two large books, with little pieces of paper tucked into several pages, marking different places. We sit in the empty library for an hour or so, reading our books. I occasionally ask him the meaning of a phrase or word and he shows me pictures which illustrate a point in his book.

When he is reading with his face buried deep into an explanation or narrative, I watch him for a bit. The way he chews his inner lip and wrinkles his nose at the pages reminds me of Tris when she used to train with me in the Dauntless faction. She would do the exact same thing as she focussed on her opponent, scrunching her face and squinting her eyes. .

"You okay?" Caleb asks, and I realised I must have zoned out whilst staring in his direction.

"Yup… Yeah, sorry," I mumble, looking quickly back down at the book.

After a while, we decide to head back to the dormitory to find the others. It feels strange, being near to Caleb and not feeling the urge to punch him in the nose. I think it means that I am ever so closer to moving on. When we arrive back in the room, Christina is sitting on Tris' old bed, her lips puckered and her eyes brimming with tears. When she sees me she jumps up, brushes her hair off of her shoulders and moves away.

"I was just, um…" she fumbles around for an excuse, but doesn't find one.

"It doesn't matter," I try to ignore the rising feeling in my stomach, the knot that constantly ties and unties itself within me, "it's just a bed."

But it's not 'just a bed'. It was where Tris used to lie, sleeping with a sad smile on her face. Where we would fall asleep, side by side, our fingers entwined together. Where I would hug her when she was feeling sad and where she would comfort me when I felt alone.

Sometimes I feel like I am ready to take a step forward, to change my life for the better and start a fresh, moving on from the pain that has clamped down on me and my life for the past however many months. But all of a sudden, I feel like I am drowning again, being suffocated by the nightmares and the guilt and the pain that engulfs me.

The others pretend to be strong, that they have recovered from the blow of her death, but I know they are still upset. They are still in shock as well.

This morning, a group of people arrived at the Bureau. I saw them through the window as they arrived. I was reading another book which I snuck out of the library to read in the comfort of my bed, when I heard the truck pulling up on the cobbled stones outside. I peered outside, my breath creating a misty fog on the glass which I wiped away with my sleeve. There were several people, most of them much older than I am, apart from two. A boy and a girl. Both about 19 years old. They had similar, striking features, so I realised they must be siblings- twins, even. They both have black hair. His is untidy and hangs into his eyes. Hers is longer, curling half way down her back. Even from the window, I could see their dazzling, green eyes, like cats' eyes. I pushed the window open and heard the sound of laughter ringing through the air. Her pink lips were turned up in a smile and her pearly white teeth sparkled through her mouth. The twins both had small framed bodies and good posture, just like Tris. They walked side by side, talking and smiling and laughing.

I closed the window, throwing my book to the side, and ran out of the bedroom to try to find the newcomers.


	6. Chapter 6

The new group was standing in the cafeteria. Most people weren't even taking any notice of them- we get newcomers all the time, but I was intrigued. Something about the twins made me want to talk to them, find out who they are and where they come from. Suddenly I felt large hands on my shoulders and I whipped around.

"No need to look scared," Amar laughed, Zeke and Christina standing in his wake.

"Sorry," I said in a small voice. It was out of habit that I had to be alert, that I had to be scared whenever someone came up from behind me, from the days when I lived with my father.

"Watcha looking a-" Christina started, but her voice caught in her throat when she saw the brother and sister with their charcoal coloured hair and emerald green eyes.

Zeke wolf whistled and I thumped him hard on the back.

The three of them exchanged glances as I spun back around to look at the twins who, to my surprise, were heading towards us.

"Hiya," the girl smiled, throwing her hair back over her shoulder, "I'm Ivy,"

"Tobias," I say, staring into her eyes. Up close, Ivy seems less perfect, making her even more beautiful. Her rounded face, adorned with tiny brown freckles and smalls lines forming at the corners of her eyes when she smiles. Her long, black eye lashes curled up above her eyes and she batted them innocently.

"Ovick," her brother introduced himself, holding out his hand. I shook it, his skin smooth and warm. I imagined his sister's the same, but I quickly forced the thought out of my mind. Who am I, to imagine holding someone else's hand in my own? I am just a broken, shattered shadow of a man. She would never even take a second glance at me. But I know that's a lie. I can already feel those green eyes boring into me, as if she were looking into my deepest, darkest secrets.

"So, you guys been here long?" Ivy asked, her questioning voice sounding like harp music. Her almond shaped eyes were filled with curiosity and I felt a sudden urge to hug her small framed body in my arms.

"A few months," Christina confirmed, eyeing me suspiciously. I realised, embarrassed, that I had been staring at the girl in front of me, and my cheeks flushed red. I heard Zeke cough to disguise his snigger behind me.

"We need to go and ask where we'll be sleeping, so we'll talk to you later," Ovick smiled, taking his sister's arm to guide her around.

"Actually, you'll probably be staying with us in the dormitory. I can… show you where it is, if you want?" I heard myself say, before I could stop myself.

Ovick and Ivy looked gratefully and beckoned for me to lead the way.

Christina and Zeke stayed behind in the cafeteria to let Amar and I escort the twins to the dormitory. Amar and Ovick fell behind me and Ivy, talking quietly between themselves.

"So, tell me a bit about yourself,"

I looked taken aback- no one had ever properly cared enough to ask about myself, no one apart from Tris.

"There's nothing much to tell," I shrugged, "what do you want to know?"

"Hmm," she eyed me thoughtfully, "do you have any family?"

I chewed on the inside of my lip.

"My mum," I decided to say.

"What about your dad?"

"Not really," I said abruptly. Thankfully, she didn't pry. "What about you?"

"Just Ovick. Both my parents are dead," she replied quietly.

"Ah,"

After a few moments of silence, she asked me "do you have a girlfriend?" as if she somehow knew about Tris.

I carried on chewing my mouth, until I tasted the metallic tang of blood seeping out of my gums.

"Not anymore,"

Ivy turned to face me.

"What happened? You two fell out? She left you, or you left her?" She asked, a small smile creeping onto her face.

I looked at her sideways.

"No. She gave her life to save thousands of others. She was shot. About seven months ago,"

Ivy swore under her breath.

"Oh god," she said, "I'm so so sorry,"

"Don't apologise for something you didn't do,"

"But I did. I thought that-"

"I'm not holding it against you, so leave it, okay?"

We had reached the dormitory. I hadn't realised how fast we had been walking- Zeke and Ovick were still a couple of corridors behind us.

I took Ivy's arm and led her into the room. I hesitated before taking her over to Tris' old bed.

"You can sleep here," I said, bending over to straighten the bedding, "My bed's next to yours,"

Ivy looked up and our eyes locked together. A piece of black hair fell into her eyes and, without reaching, I stepped forward to brush it out of her face. Ivy took my hand in hers, our eyes still on each other, taking one another in.

"Your hands are so big," she whispered, turning them over in her tiny little fingers. Suddenly, Zeke and Ovick entered the room, and Ivy and I jumped apart, as if we had been doing something forbidden by touching one another.

I caught Zeke's eye and he looked mischievously at me, before turning away to show Ovick where to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

The days when Caleb didn't accompany me to the library, Ivy did. She would sit opposite me, her slim legs outstretched, twiddling a strand of black hair between her fingers. I found out that she enjoyed reading just as much as I did. Sometimes, I would watch her over the top of the page I was reading. Her neat eyebrows would furrow almost over her large eyes, taking in the information on the from whatever novel she was reading. She talked a lot about where she came from, which was good seeing as I did not really like to talk about my past. She explained how her father had been shot and her mother had taken her own life shortly afterwards, leaving Ivy and Ovick alone. A friend of their father's had taken them in and helped them until they moved out to the Bureau. Ivy and Ovick had been in Candor, which I had already kind of guessed. The white and black clothes would have suited her and the way she was so direct in asking about Tris, leaving not much room for empathy, showed through. However I didn't mind. I never really liked to talk about Tris, especially to people I had only just met, however there was something about her, Ivy. The way she would look you up and down, as if she were squeezing the words out of you, like toothpaste out of an almost empty tube. I didn't talk about myself much, until one night.

For the previous few weeks, I had been finding myself sleeping much better than normal. Although the room would be in darkness, my eyes would always adjust before I fell asleep. I would drift off into a soundless slumber to the sight of Ivy's pale face, framed with silky hair displayed out on her pillow.

One night, I couldn't sleep, so I slid out under the covers and left the dormitory. As I left, I could here Zeke's soft snores coming from the bed where he slept and I chuckled to myself. Good old Zeke. I tiptoed down the corridor, suddenly realising I was desperate for the toilet. I turned left and pushed the door open into the loo, and dived into a cubicle. Having washed my hands, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I had definitely changed, this past year. Since Tris… left, I had lost a lot of weight, especially from my face. My cheekbones jutted out and the hollows under my eyes were darker than I had ever remembered them being. My face had a sharp edge to it and the skin looked like it was being stretched tersely and fragilely over it's frame, as if the bones had grown but the flesh hadn't. The rest of my body was similarly thin. I didn't feel as strong as I used to, although I still had more muscle than an average person my age.

I bent my head and splashed cold water over me, washing the tension out of my face. I left the bathroom, letting the door shut quietly behind me. I walked a little further until I reached the main entrance doors. A slight tapping sound alerted me to the fact that it was raining lightly outside- a sort of drizzle. I pushed through one of the glass doors, and sat down under the cover of a balcony overhead, and watched as the wind carried small twigs and other such objects with it.

After a couple of minutes, I heard the glass door reopen behind me.

"Mind if I join you?" a soft voice asked. I turned around to find Ivy standing behind me, her hands tucked into her pockets.

"Sure," I patted the floor next to me, "I wasn't expecting anyone,"

"I couldn't sleep and then I heard you leaving the dormitory, so I thought I'd come and find you," she shrugged, "I'll go if you want some space?"

I laughed. "No, don't worry. Come, sit."

Ivy's hair was tied in a loose knot at the back of her head, thin strands of black escaping from the hair tie. Ivy laced her fingers together and hugged her knees to her chest, shivering ever so slightly.

"Are you cold?" I asked. I hesitated, but only slightly, before wrapping an arm across her bare back and pulling her towards me.

_Is this what I want?_

Ivy nestled her head just under my chin, her hair tickling my skin. Her breath was warm against me and I could feel her breathing, her chest heaving up and down. I started to regulate my breaths with hers- in for two seconds, out for two seconds. In for two seconds, out for two seconds.

_Is this what Tris would want?_

She turned her head slowly to look at me. "Do you want to go for a walk," I heard her say, although it sounded like a whisper, barely even that. I nodded, but my head felt stiff and my mouth had dried up. Ivy took my hand, entwining her fingers with mine, and she led me out from under the cover and into the rain. The drizzle was heavier now, more like a shower. I could feel the drops splashing as they plummeted to the ground.

_Tris isn't here anymore. I don't know what she wants._

Ivy stopped walked next to a cluster of trees, and turned to face me. She took a step towards me, and I felt myself move closer, removing all space between us. Suddenly, all I wanted was to touch her, to feel her, to know that she was there, that she was real.

_Tris wouldn't want me to be alone, forever, right?_

I reached out and took Ivy's shoulders in my hands. I moved them down her back until they were right above her bum. I drew her in, tighter, closer, until we were almost inseparably close. I reached up with one hand and touched her hair with the tips of my fingers. It was now gleaming with fat drops of rain water.

"Tobias," she whispered, her small hands reached out and cupped my face. Her lips were parted like two pale pink segments. I lent forward and brushed my own lips to hers. I heard her breathe in, a small intake of air, but I didn't let her speak. I pushed up against her mouth with mine, with a fierce sense of longing. My hands were all over her- her face, her back, her shoulders, her waist, her stomach. My tongue was on hers, invading into her mouth. We were locked together, our legs entwined, breathing over each other. Her hands were in my hair, on my shoulders, at the small of my back. She nibbled at my bottom lip, but not painfully. It felt nice, and I wanted more. I pushed her back against the large trunk of the tree behind her, my hands either side of her head.

"Tobias," she said again. I pulled back.

"Are you okay?" I asked, worried, "did I hurt you?"

"I'm fine, actually," she smiled, "I was going to ask if _you_ were okay? I know we took things a little fast and I didn't want to push you. I thought you might be a bit upset. You know… About Tris?"

My heart skipped a little when she said Tris's name, but I knew there was nothing I could do.

"Tris is gone," I said, simply, pulling Ivy back into my arms. She smiled as our lips met again, our breath mingling as the rain fell over our heads.

_Tris is gone, and I need to move on. _


End file.
